It’s strange, because for a long time there, I didn’t think there would be one. The fact is that I’m not at the place I thought I would be at age 29 ¾ back when I was in high school or college.
Sometimes I feel saddened and disappointed in myself at my seeming lack of achievement. I haven’t written even one of the life changing screenplays or epic novels I was sure I’d have safely tucked under my size 32 belt by now. Also, I don’t wear a size 32 belt (damn your melty-chocolate-wonderfulness, Tim Tams). I’m not married to a rich, handsome movie star and my shelves are weighted down with more scented candles and action figures than they are with illustrious awards. I don’t own a pure-white, three storey mansion in Clifton and I don’t drive a slick, gold Jaguar Rover to my high-paid, half-day consultancy job, which consists mostly of looking fabulous and drinking tea out of fancy-ass cups (like with saucers and everything).
Usually, when I start feeling a bit bad myself like this, I’ll pick myself up, dust myself off, and go out and get really ridiculously, stupid drunk. But not today. Today I thought I’d focus instead on what has gone right in the 358 months I’ve been alive… And then go and get drunk.
No, life hasn’t turned out as planned, but it has turned out pretty good in the greater scheme of things. Here, for your boredom, is a list of the things in my life that bring me joy and happiness as I enter my third decade of life.
1. When I about was 15, I really, really wanted to marry Charlie Sheen. And now I’m really, really grateful that I didn’t. #winning.
2. Although I haven’t fulfilled my ambitions to become a supermodel, a UN ambassador or a guitar-solo superhero, I am grateful to be gainfully employed by an awesome company, and that I work with people who, on some days, are almost as cool as I am.
3. I have a very sweet boyfriend. While he may not be a movie star, he will walk down an empty street with me, in the middle of the night, to find appropriate hiding places for the small mammals our cats haven’t quite managed to kill. And he understands the life-or-death importance of my morning caffeine injection.
4. I am grateful for my cats, the unconditional love they inspire from me, and the overwhelming indifference they reward it with.
5. I have a flat, which I have successfully furnished and, occasionally, entertain visitors in. (This entertainment usually consists of them watching me play Playstation, which is very exciting and also quite bitching.) My home is my mansion, my castle, and my sanctuary- all two, wonderfully cluttered bedrooms of it.
6. I have amazing friends. The guys and lady-guys who offer to personally destroy my enemies and burn their houses down, without me ever having to ask.
7. I am close to my family. Literally, like 15 minutes away. And they don’t mind that I still visit just to watch TV, empty the contents of their fridge into my belly and occasionally use their clothes drier.
8. I am healthy. I am doing more exercise now than I did throughout my entire high school career and, although I still really hate lunges, I’m starting to see the point of the bastard-shit things. I quit smoking 5 years ago, and although I sometimes forget that after 3 glasses of wine, I know I’ll never buy another box of Marlboros. Unless, of course, the world does actually end this year… because when the sun starts exploding and systematically frying all life on Earth like a giant pan of screaming, bleeding pork sausages, who’s gonna care about emphysema?
9. I’m not scared. I mean, I am, of things you should be scared of- like crime, the loss of civilian freedom and big, hairy spiders, but I’m not scared of the other people’s impressions, or my own limitations anymore. Both are usually in my own mind and I find it best to ignore them equally.
10. I get to get older. As all those poignant pins on Pinterest will remind you, many are denied the same opportunity. It saddens me to remember the friends who will be eternally preserved in my mind at the same age they passed away, but it also makes every new memory, experience and wrinkle that I get to have seem special and precious, and something to be grateful for.
And it makes me realise that I better hurry up and start ticking shit off my ‘before I turn 40 list’ in a blue-arsed hurry.