In Which I Respond to My 10 Best Spam Comments So Far

Oh, Internet.

Between the endless semi-porno results you throw up from seemingly innocuous image searches, to the bottomless pit of inanity that is any comment thread ever, exists a special circle of virtual hell, where hordes of spambots work tirelessly, spreading their useless, unwanted messaging to all corners of cyberspace.

If you have a blog, or a website, or any presence online whatsoever, you will no doubt have been contacted by a spambot, desperately seeking some kind of connection with the human world on the other side of the screen with a rambling, incoherent comment. Most of the time, these comments get caught in the web in our spam filter, ignored and forgotten in the internet ether forever.

Like pop stars from the early 90’s, spambots are irritating, irrelevant and nobody cares what they say, think or do. But they’re also virtual, automated versions of people.

And so, in this post, I have picked out the top 10 spam comments on my blog so far and given them the full attention they so desperately crave.

1.   

Spam 1

 

Thanks, Erwin Coppola, I recognise your great spc you got of your respective kitchen pantry too! And saucepan component oven reviews?

Damn straight I can handle!

Bring ‘em on, you beautiful bastard.

 

2. 

Spam 2

 

Hey, thanks for the feedback. Really glad you enjoyed the post and the website. I certainly will try to keep it up!

…And now that I no longer have to worry about going to dialysis, I’ll have so much more time to do that.

You’re the best, HD!

 

3.

Spam 3

Finn, your tersely worded comment has certainly ‘peaked’ my interest too… In fact my curiosity is sporting a raging boner right about now.

Unless you meant ‘piqued’?

… well, this is awkward.

 

4.

Spam 4

Message to the admin?

Wait a hot, damn minute… I’m the admin!

What do you mean I’m missing out on 300 visitors per day?!

Wowee!

Here’s a direct quote from the page the link redirects to:

“our traffic is 100% REAL PEOPLE accessing your website”

But apparently your staff is 100% REAL SPAMBOTS.

 

5.

Spam 5

 

This moved me… I laughed, I cried, I slammed my face full-force into my keyboard.

A little difficult to get into, what with the incoherent rambling, randomly placed links and seemingly unrelated sentences,  but well worth the read.

5 stars!

 

6.

Spam 6

You know, you’re right. Skin tight jeans do play a role in how much or how little I hate social media.

 

7.

Spam 7

What’s up, yourself, dawg?

Thanks for the compliment, Online Poker (cheeky nickname, BTW, do you poke offline too?), although my post wasn’t so much about ‘media print’ as it was bitch-slapping your colleagues.

You are very observant, however, media is an enormous source of data.

And spam.

8.

Spam 8

Wow, Iklan, I’m so glad we were able to find each other after all this time, it must be destiny or something.

I’m really flattered you found my article ‘superior’.

It similar I’ve got it too.

Stay tuned for my next ‘report’.

 

9.

Spam 9

Damn, Daisy, you know I have been embracing my inner cookie monster pretty hard over the winter months, but I honestly didn’t think anyone had noticed.

Thanks for calling me on my shit, Daisy.

You keep me real, girlfriend.

 

10.

Spam 10

Jack! Buddy, you know I could never fight with you (Ha Ha), and yeah, man, that’s exactly what I was trying to do!

I was trying to convey a new rewrite on a subject matter.

You get me, Jack, you really get me.

That link at the end is kind of a downer though, dude.

 

That’s all for now…

But fear not- if you have sent me a spam comment that wasn’t featured in this post, please don’t give up. One day I’ll get so bored I’ll scour through this folder, and maybe your little nugget of word-vomit will make the grade next time.

Keep on spamming, my little spambots, you’re the reason I created this blog.

 

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5 thoughts on “In Which I Respond to My 10 Best Spam Comments So Far

    • Wow, thank you kind reader! It is so good to know that you’re enjoying the content! Tell me, is it true that spambots survive on the crushed, liquefied human remains of internet geeks? Is there some kind of feeding programme I can sign up for? Has the singularity already occurred, or is there still going to be some kind of big ‘coming out’ party before the human genocide begins? And is Skynet as big as it looks from the outside?

      Looking forward to your responses!

  1. I’m jealous of your relationship with Iklan the most. I think we might have had something if Destiny had thought about me before you…. WHY DESTINY, WHY???

    And then, just because you can’t be dramatic without a little T. Williams:

    STEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

    • Iklan and I have a very complicated relationship… he has been searching for me his whole spambot life…

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