This is How I Think PostNet Interviews Their New Employees

Anyone who follows me on Twitter (and if you don’t, you totally should, every 10th follower gets a free psychic cleansing) will know that earlier in the week, I was rather heavily irked at having to pay almost R50 to scan 3 documents onto my own flash drive.

Not only did I have to shell out this rather sickening amount, but it took 2 PostNet employees about 10 minutes to figure out how their scanner worked before they could get down to their core service: overcharging people for archaic services.

Let me answer a few questions some of you may have before I proceed:

1. No, I did not ask how much scanning was before asking them to do it. On  other occasions, Minute Man Press has charged me R6.50 for the same amount of scanning, and in one case where I didn’t have the correct change- they just did it for free.

2. No, I did not think to just take a photo with my phone and then email it to myself, nor did I think to just download a scanning app.

I am not always a smart woman. To further demonstrate this, when I got home after getting fleeced by PostNet for the last time, I plugged in the flash drive, looked at the files and actually- for, like, a full minute– thought to myself:

“Oh, they’re in colour.”

Like that made all the difference. Like scanning in colour obviously costs more because of all the extra pixels and processing required to convey this superior visual information.

Yes, I felt like a twat after actually having that thought… but I think maybe that’s exactly how PostNet decides on their rates.

I was miffed because when I questioned the high price in the store, I was met with robotic responses and withering derision from the clerk, and an amused smirk from his back-up scanning buddy when said clerk pulled out his calculator to show me exactly how he came to the unbelievable amount. I also earned myself an Olympic level eye roll when I asked him to delete my personal documents from the cache in the computer.

Well, you guys sure showed me.

I was miffed even further when I tried to tweet at PostNet (my generation’s favourite passive aggressive pastime), only to find that they do not seem to have a social media presence at all. Even the Post Office is on Facebook (and is exponentially cheaper than PostNet).

Anyway, I don’t want to disparage PostNet more than necessary. I am sure that they perform some of their services almost as well as some other companies do, some of the time.

What I would like to do here is to present what I imagine is the typical interview process for hiring a PostNet employee.

INTERVIEWER: Have you ever used a computer before?

CANDIDATE: No.

INTERVIEWER: Do you enjoy working with customers?

CANDIDATE: No.

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work at PostNet?

CANDIDATE: McDonalds told me I would have to smile.

INTERVIEWER: Do you believe it’s important to deliver value for money that is at least comparable with that of our competitors?

CANDIDATE: Nope.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any dreams, goals, ambitions, hopes or fantasies left?

CANDIDATE: No.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any interests outside work?

CANDIDATE: Sometimes, I like to stare at my own reflection in a darkened room until I start to hallucinate, and then I summon the dark lord to deliver my soul from this eternal, agonising ennui.

Also, laser tag.

INTERVIEWER: Have you ever killed a man with your bare hands and felt your heart shrivel and blacken as you watched the life slowly drain from his eyes, forever deadening your soul to the normal range of human emotions and compassion?

CANDIDATE: No…. wait…. yes.

INTERVIEWER: Super duper, looks like you’re perfect for the job! Can you start immediately?

CANDIDATE: Of course. I have no earthly bonds or human connections. I am free. Like the wind. Like a ghost.

INTERVIEWER: Excellent. Before you start your shift, though, I’m going to ask you to inhale that big pile of powdered horse tranquiliser into both of your nasal cavities… just so we can make sure you do the job as slowly and as ineptly as possible.

CANDIDATE: No problem. I love horse tranquiliser.

If you work at PostNet and would like to argue against my assumption in your hiring techniques, or defend in any way your service ethic or prices, you are welcome to contact me and explain how you justify charging almost 10x as much as a nearby competitor.

Please note though, that as I will have to download your correspondence in full colour, I will have to charge you almost R50 just to read your message.

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3 thoughts on “This is How I Think PostNet Interviews Their New Employees

  1. Bastards, that kind of money is a deposit on a new house. I bet they went after work and had a huge party on your expense.

      • They probably snorted some toner while they hired a limmo with the money. You know it is the toner that makes them like that? I knew a guy from a university mortuary lab who got a Postnet cadaver and when they opened his head it was rainbow-coloured from all the printer cartridges. True story.

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