5 Simple Online Things I Wish Every Business WOULD Do …but They Don’t

If you don’t work in ‘digital’ and have to wade through the endlessly repetitive stream of bullshit spouted by agencies trying to sell you an app, it could, I suppose, seem like quite an intimidating river to dip one’s toe into.

Should you build a new content marketing database through proactive social interaction, or perhaps you need to mine and integrate your existing client contacts into an overarching digital brand strategy? What are your digital content pillars and how are you funnelling social traffic into lead conversions?

Fuck bro, I don’t know.

If you want proper answers to those questions published in a fat report with colour-coded infographics and a spot-varnished cover, then there are about a million cutely named companies who, I’m sure, would happily take your money for such a thing.

But this is a free blog that I write in my spare time while I wait for my downloads washing to dry, so you better lower those expectations right now, missy.

Here are just 5 simple (and also mostly free) things I wish every business would do online to make your customers (and therefore your bottom line) happier:

  1. Update your Google Places Address

I have a limited number of routes and addresses I can save in my brain. Your offices are not one of them. If you move, you need to update your Google Places Listing so that Google Maps can correctly guide me there.

If you’ve never listed your business on Google Places, then you might as well have your business located in an inter-dimensional void.

  1. Respond

I don’t care if you’re on every social media network ever invented (even the weird ones in China and Russia), and if your in-house editorial team tailors your owned content for every platform, or if you just have a contact form on your shitty, non-responsive site. All I want is for you to listen to my complaint, or my question, and respond punctually with an answer that doesn’t make me want to rip my hair out at the roots.

And bitch, don’t update your Twitter feed while I’m still waiting for a response. I don’t care if it is all automated, it’s still rude.

  1. Switch to Responsive

I know I said I didn’t care about your shitty, non-responsive site, but I lied.

Unless you’re operating a farm stall in the darkest corner of Donkerhook, your business probably has a website. But is it a website worth having?  You can build a responsive site on WordPress, from scratch, in a day… so your inability to evolve your online presence to suit my screen size feels like a personal affront.

And if you responded with ‘well, we have a separate mobisite’, then you should know that you are everything that is wrong with the world.

  1. Stop it with the Pop-Ups Already

Ag, no man. I came to your site because I wanted to read, or buy or see something. Don’t interrupt my flow so you can try to push something else. If I want to subscribe to your site, I will find the ‘subscribe’ button, thanks.

I’ve been online since the dial-up days, motherfucker, I know what I’m doing, you don’t have to use virtual flashcards to communicate with me.

  1. Understand How Little I Care

There’s an old bit of advice when it comes to storytelling and show business, ‘always leave them wanting more’. I don’t mean create a website so vague and sparsely populated that I don’t know who you are or what you do (but I’m guessing it’s a front for a cocaine smuggling business, that’s for sure), but you also don’t need to include the life story of your company.

Please don’t make me click more than once to find what I need, don’t make me wait through some twee animation, or wade through pages of waffle. I don’t want to ‘have fun’ trying to figure out your unique navigation, or ‘exploring’ your website.

Yes, I am a lazy Internet traveller, I want what I want and I want it NOW, and I want to look at it on my phone, on the bog.

I am not your only indolent, online customer. There are thousands of us, all the time, swearing at your loading page and groaning when we have to zoom in on a teeny-tiny link on your old-school website.

The idle will inherit the Earth, or at least, the Internet.